NOSE TO TAIL

This weekend has been epic, even by my own pretty bonkers standards. To be more precise, Saturday was. I mean epic as in 'took on a lot and tried to pull it off', rather then epic as in 'I was amazing'.

Saturday was my first market with my Christmas puddings, and the only one where all 3 children needed to be in attendance for set-up. It was at their school, which Grizzly also works at. But he wasn't free until 11am, the start time, due to it being private and Saturday school and all that. It was also the same day that I had an order for 50 muffins, for a 50th birthday party. And was working a shift in the pub...Relishing a challenge, I created a spread-sheet to work out timings. I concluded I only had to get to 11am, then I could relax and enjoy the rest of the day.

4.15am: In the kitchen baking
5.50am: All 3 children awake
6.00am: The Bee joins me in the kitchen, and almost instantly starts insisting she helps
6.03am: My silent promise not to lose my sh1t unravels, and she's banished to the sofa with some colouring-in
6.30am: Baking completed, I announce to Grizzly that I'm having a shower, and he can get The Bear and The Baby up
7.00am: The relaxed breakfast commences - except clearly no-one else has read the spreadsheet, and think this is a prime time to start behaving like utter cretins
8.00am: Car should have been packed by now. Instead I'm still trying to dress three children and myself.
8.45am: Strap aforementioned children into their respective seats and start packing the car [so as no one can maim anyone else for the next 5 minutes] - it turns out what my spreadsheet didn't factor in was the enormous weight of Christmas puddings - I can carry far fewer at a time than I'd envisaged.
9.00am: Wheels should have been turning by now, instead they're starting to come off. I'm half-way through packing the car.
9.10am: Car packed. Now I'm trying to find my car keys, a muslin for The Baby, and my phone - and it's bucketing with rain. The car keys are clearly in the car somewhere because it's unlocked. Half-way through removing all the puddings to try and locate them, I realise the radio is on, so weirdly at some point I can't remember I must have put them in the ignition.
9.15am: Leave
9.30am: Deliver 50 muffins
9.50am: Arrive at Fair, and, as instructed park 'nose to tail' behind the Sports Hall.
9.55am: Persuade The Bee and The Bear that I've created a secret den for them under my table, and leave them with the iPad. Mercifully The Baby is asleep in the car.
10.00-11.00am: Try to set up my table whilst retrieving The Bear from Santa's Grotto (in a different part of the building...) over and over again. Discover the Baby has woken up, after a microphone announcement instructing the owner of a silver Volvo to get more involved in the nose to tail thing and budge up.
11.00am: 1 minute silence, entirely ruined at my end of the Sports Hall by Octonauts playing from underneath my stand
11.10am: Grizzly arrives, and, amidst a rare Public Display of Affection, I announce how I've never been so pleased to see him and the children are all his to take home
11.11am: Grizzly asks where I've parked the car
11.12am: I stopped swearing and crying long enough to explain about the 'nose to tail' thing
11.13am: Grizzly takes over the swearing
11.50am: Grizzly has finally moved all the car seats into his own car which is not parked 'nose to tail', and retrieved the elder two from the craft corner where they're being looked after
15.00: Fair finishes

I won't bore you with the rest - but it involved waiting for the owner of a blue Peugeout 406 to pack up her stand and release us all from our nose to tail prison; cook tea for the children; then go to work in the pub. However I did get to tuck into some steak about 9.30pm which I'm flagging as a potential highlight of the day.

So for anyone who's ever told me they don't know how I do it etc etc, here you are - the sordid truth about times of sketchy parenting and total lack of forethought.

And here's a picture of me #parentingtheshitoutoflife at Bedgebury today - no one had gloves or hats, and it was 7 degrees. My hands were so cold by the time I announced we were going to the café that I couldn't get any coins out of my purse, and had to extricate a note with some kind of lobster grip instead. #iwishiwaswinningatlife


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